I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Randomize
