i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
