i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
