Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
