This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Randomize
