Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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