dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
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