no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
