He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
