try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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