The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
