Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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