it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
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