They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
