ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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