I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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