I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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