there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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