I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize