Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Brb crying the tears of my youth
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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