So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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