I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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