Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
