fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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