before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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