Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
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