I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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