I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
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