Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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