Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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