it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
