I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Randomize
