i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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