I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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