Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
