it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize