Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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