so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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