so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
