those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Randomize
