you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
