My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
