put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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