the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
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