I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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