I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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