I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize