His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
