Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
