Ambien. No doubt about it.
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
