Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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