btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
thus making me awesome and them whores
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
