There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
