Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
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