Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
i think i just lost a toe
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
