a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
