even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
