i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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