why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
